the art of goodbyes

Hi: today I am planning to link in to the online community
of women over at Velvet Ashes.
It is a unique and great community of women serving God with their lives overseas.
Each week there is a Word prompt and we can share words, art, photos based on that prompt at The Grove.
This week’s word prompt was Goodbye.
Last night Hoosband was out from after dinner, until it became early the next day… South East Asia has a rich community night life (its cooler at night!) And I took the chance to sit down and ponder goodbye. I looked at this picture of my brother (on the day of our first ever international goodbye), bravely being happy for sad nieces and nephews, generously letting them say goodbye with grumpy faces and fake apathy.
I looked at this photo and thought that goodbye was too hard to express. It seemed like too  big a topic & decided that  I couldn’t give voice to it all. I began to think about what it looked like instead….

**********

Goodbye has settled on me.
Goodbye, that was a giant and has now become a familiar shadow.
Goodbye, that seemed such a huge leap and has now become an even step.
Goodbye, that is getting easier, getting harder, is just the same.
Goodbye is blue.

If I was an artist and I could build a goodbye with my hands; then I would make it blue.
I would use clay because it’s fun and only 1 step up from play dough (at which I am proficient) … and I would make myself a simple clay torso. Not too fancy or pretty or even very detailed. Just slightly, obviously me.
I would start with me because I am goodbyes.
I am the mother of goodbyes.
I am the wife of goodbyes. The daughter, the sister and the friend.
I am the neighbour of goodbyes, the aunty and granddaughter.
I am the fellow worker; we all seem so full of goodbyes.

I have been goodbye well and I have been so with difficulty. I have hugged with desperate longing and I have waved with enthusiasm. I have read many best wishes and I have promised life-long remembering.
I have carefully, deliberately selected portions of my heart and gifted them to people across the world. I belong everywhere I have said goodbye to. I have arrived at future goodbyes and chosen to belong there anyway.
Because I am somewhat experienced now, at being a goodbye.

As I sculpt myself a goodbye. I would first make for myself, a heart.
I would take a small cross and wrap it with thread. A little wooden cross, which is all of me. Which some see but don’t understand and don’t have their heart wrapped around… But my heart is. (& this difference makes those goodbyes harder)
And so, my heart starts there. With a cross and a knot that binds me forever to his wonder.
That compels me to live in serving love – which so often means to live in goodbyes.
I would wrap that cross in blue thread.
I would wrap it and wrap it until it is full. Until it is a heart made whole. (And anatomically correct because imaginary artist-me is just that good)
But the thread is not empty. It is not limited. It has no end.
It is like a river. A river of blue thread which comes pouring out from the cracks in the clay torso. Out willingly through an opening in my torso, where I am left wide open deliberately and unreservedly.
There is my heart, which goes out in my humanity.
Because I was born and held. Because I giggled and danced with others. I have been loved, because I have cried in someone’s kitchen and been given gifts by another.
Because I walked with you in one city but left a brother in the last one.
Because you shared my burdens in this country but God chose me for another.
Because I have smile lines from our laughter on that continent but suntan lines from my life on this one. Because for every hello there has been a goodbye… and I have not always chosen them all.
Luckily the heart has plenty of thread.
It comes out from me all over, and unravels itself in every direction.

The statue of me, stands in a 3D display made of tiny photos. Hundreds and hundreds of tiny black and white photos encircle me. The photos of people, of places and dreams. A pattern, a story and a portrait. Like intricate lace, the photo create a tapestry of my life so far and it has been rich.
Portions of thread reach to photos of my family, to my parents and brothers and uncles.
It spreads easily out to best friends and beloved sisters in Christ. To mentors and grandparents.
To the place my children were born and the house I dreamed of growing old in.
The blue thread unravels itself, spreading further and never runs out.
It never retracts and it is never severed.

Once I have unraveled, your photo is part of the story. The thread of our attachment is secured.
This thread of heart, which is so often goodbye.
I would knot trinkets into the thread. Things I was given and have left behind. The dress I wore when Husband promised to love me forever. The blankets my mother knitted for her grandchildren, the cat I told secrets to. My favourite spot on that sofa, where I read great books, spilled popcorn as we watched movies and where I nursed all my babies or rocked them in the night-time.
I would tie in a little pendant for each of my children. For aunties and uncles who have loved them well and have hugged us at more than one airport terminal. For others who helped with culture shock and took place of distant loved ones. For friends that came as a gift of God in seasons of loneliness. That special adopted Auntie that I have loved to watch them grow to love and cried to see them leave.
 My goodbyes become the goodbyes of my children.
Their goodbyes seem to unravel me too.

I don’t know why, but I would definitely make goodbye as blue.
The colour of constant ocean waves. The colour of tears. The colour of the sky that we all still share. The colour of Skype, and I think, the colour of calm. A colour of emotion, of sadness but it is also rich and beautiful. A colour with depth.
I would make goodbye as a thread.
A blue thread that flows out of me like a river. Strong and binding, but fragile and able to unravel. To travel many places and tie me to many wonderful moments.
A river of blue thread, like a river of life – flowing out of me.
A river of living water that I love to outpour. That I am blessed to carry into dry places.
A river of love.
I am compelled by love, to love, to give love and live love and walk love into places I would not go by myself.
A river of goodbyes… for as long as I know life, for as long as I am loved, I may keeping walking and wandering, unravelling.
Outpouring.
I will be someone’s goodbye. I will live and relive my own goodbyes.

So if I was to make goodbye. I would make it blue thread.
Beginning with a cross, becoming an endless source of heart. An endless ream of love that spreads out over my entire world.
It is tangled with trinkets of things I loved and left, knotted with pendants for people I have chosen goodbyes for, or whose last goodbyes I missed out on.
And I would cry as I made it.
As I selected photos to use and remembered the moments that earned such strong attachments.
I would pull that thread tight to show the longing, the stretching.
Oh I would probably cry a lot.
It would be so good.
It would make me smile to remember my goodbyes.
Remember the love which attached us forever.
The cross at my core, which makes it worth each one.
Which keeps the blue thread of heart -from ever running out.
My blue thread of many goodbyes.

Purple People (I’m suddenly the mum of a TCK)

Under the Big Topp

I apologise. I can’t describe the setting very accurately for you.
It was in the morning, like still morning-morning, when I still shuffle to the fridge for the UHT milk, return to the table and plonk myself down, head-resting-in-hand. All I remember is a fuzzy scene of breakfast and children.
Chatter. Chatter. Mum? Chatter. Spilled milk. Chatter. Argument. Chatter. Mum? , mmmm…. I need more coffee.

Somehow, for some reason, the conversation went in a direction where I needed to state for the record – that the most commonly used cutlery in Australia is actually the knife and fork. My fun-fact was met with 3 little voices muttering in disbelief and Roo’s not-really-sure-what’s-going-on-but-happy-to-be-included chuckle. (here it is commonly a spoon, for all meals.)

What if you are eating pasta?! – hmmm. Fork. I say.
Cue peals of laughter
What if you are eating rice!? – hmmhuh, still a fork.
No Way!
I mentioned…

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Our Daughters are very Beautiful

I just read the article, “how to talk to little girls” by Latina Fatale.
And I just wanted to write a quick response to it.
(click on the article name for a link to read her blog post)

It says in there that we need to by counter-cultural and not talk to little girls by praising their appearance or their clothes. She gives a great example conversation to practically see what she means.

I completely agree with her but you might be surprised to know –
its only on one hand.
In a heartbeat I say yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
I want my daughters to be praised for their character. I want my daughters to know how capable and smart and wonderful they are. I want them to be confident in their abilities, bold in their identities as people and to find their value in who they are in Christ.
I don’t want them to base their worth AT ALL on their physical appearance.
So, yes. I completely agree.
We need to be careful how we praise our children.
We need to be careful how we speak to children.
We need to be thoughtful with what parameters we give them for self-esteem.
We need to be careful to tell them that they are precious because of WHO they are & not just what they look like.

But you know what, damn it. I want my daughters to think they are beautiful.
I want them to think they are beautiful because they know in their hearts that ARE beautiful.
It does not define them.
It does not measure their worth.
It is not the complete value of them.
But you know what.
They are beautiful.

I understand the concept of TRUE BEAUTY and I do not think that it has basis in outward appearance.
I think that this wonderful article and a wealth of parenting experts are asking us to shy away from physical praise because we all know that beauty comes from within.
(The bible says clearly that beauty is not in outward adorning but in a peaceful and quiet Spirit which finds its hope and substance in Jesus.)
But I am just talking now about physical beauty and asking why I should ignore it.

My daughters live in a country where they stand out. They are blonde, with pale white skin and blue eyes… living amid a population completely dark-skinned, with brown eyes and black hair. They have people shouting praises at them. They are met with hands on their cheek and fingers running through their hair. The first word they understood from the local language is ‘cute’ and ‘pretty’.
Do you know what I tell me daughters?

Yes. You are SO beautiful. These people are admiring you because God did a wonderful and amazing thing in your creation. They are loving your design and they have joy in your physical beauty… we can’t hide from this reality. Lets take a moment to thank God for his planned creation of you. Lets take a moment to consider how beautiful too is their black straight hair – wow – it is gorgeous right?
Isn’t it awesome how God made different ethnicities? Isn’t it just majestic how He designed you?

Mothers,
My daughters are beautiful for the very same reason yours are.
Not because they meet some standard of socially acceptable beauty.
Not because they are attractive to some and especially to those ‘who count’.
Not because their features are perfect right now.
But because they were made by a beautiful God.

Maybe instead of trying desperately NOT to tell our young girls that they are pretty, we need to tell them that they are. We need to tell them all and we need to tell them equally.

You show me one woman who does not want to feel beautiful – in herself – & for herself.
You introduce me to one wife who doesn’t care if her husband thinks she is beautiful.
You can’t tell me that beauty has no value.

The article goes on to say that praising little girls for their beauty will set them up to only seek praise for beauty. It lists all the recent trends in young girls desperate to meet societies benchmark. And again I say yes. I agree.
When my kids are flattered day-in and day-out. It is a constant battle to guide them towards an inner voice which doesn’t not find their worth in these compliments. I am desperate for them to no define themselves based on this. But instead of trying to STOP it, instead of phasing out my praise of them, I carry on.
Yes my girl you are so beautiful – and so are they.
So is she. Yep and her. Oh gosh and her too.
She is.
and her.

Tell our girls that they are beautiful when they are wearing princess dresses.
Tell them when they are wearing pyjamas. Tell them when they are covered in mud, or up a tree or sick in bed. Tell them when they show great kindness and gentleness. Tell them, deliberately, that they are beautiful in each moment.
Tell them that their friends are beautiful. Tell them that their Grandmas are beautiful. Tell them that their siblings are beautiful.

The problem we have as mothers & female role-models, is responding to the fear we have,
that our daughters will seek satisfaction in outward beauty.
We are concerned when they seek validation in outward beauty.
We are desperately grieved by our daughters who let others judge the depth of their beauty – based on appearance.
Let us be diligent to guide them from this, yes.
Let’s make good conversation about books and hopes and praise their individuality.
But let’s not throw the beautiful baby out with the bath water.

I don’t want any girl growing up without being told that she is beautiful.
Not a single one.

Now I know I am coming from a Christian perspective – but still – I think every mother can look at her child (boy or girl, mind) and say that they are truly beautiful.
And I don’t think that it is wrong.
I tell my daughter that I love her physical features. I love her hair and the colour of her eyes. I love her long fingers and I love her voice. I love her freckles and I love the way she walks… I tell my other daughter that I love her different features, equally. I love how she has a curl in her hair just at front there. I love her grin and how her eyes crinkle when she smiles. I love how she is petite and tucks herself up into a ball for a cuddle.
There is NO other girl on earth who looks like either of my girls… that is AWESOME.
Each is unique and special and oh so beautiful.
Your daughter has such depth of value.
She is also very beautiful.
Let her know that.
Dont you think she should know that?

Let her know that it is truth. It is unwavering and unchangeable -so that she knows it. Because people will come into her life who do not tell her. They will judge her and they will overlook her. They will praise her and they will misunderstand her. Let her know that she is beautiful, that she is precious and competent. That she is unique and interesting.
Let her know that she IS beautiful – so she expects to be considered it,
so she expects to be treated as such.
I want my daughters (and sons) to know that every aspect of their physical appearance has value and it has beauty – in spite of whether culture agrees or not – in spite of how loud the voice of culture grows.
Let her know that her physical appearance has value – and it can never be taken away.
It can never be added to & does not fade in times when compliments cease.
Tell her how beautiful EVERY girl is – for exactly the same reasons.

My daughters are beautiful in so many wonderful ways.
My daughters are delightful in so many varied and contrasting ways.
My daughters are gorgeous.
Your daughters are gorgeous.

So, to this article I say bravo and yes and amen sister.
Let’s talk to little girls this way. Let’s teach them to be proud of who they are and to show the depths of their hearts. Speak to them of their abilities, talents and passions. Dream big dreams and tell them that they are precious and unique and special.
But can we also tell them that they are pretty… please?

Can we please tell it to EVERY little girl?
of every ethnicity equally
of every weight range
with freckles and knock knees and huge front teeth
with every eye colour
with long hair and short hair in every colour and tone
of every age and height
and shape.
Can we tell them – because it is SO true.

Can we tell them that they are beautiful,
for who they are
what they look like
how they were made

one.at.a.time?

(I also do not want my daughters basing their worth on their smarts, their acheivments, career or their ability to make people laugh either… just saying.)

SUPER KIDS: should christian parents censor mainstream media?

For almost the last 3 weeks straight, my son has been wearing an aqua cot-sheet that I made into a superhero cape some years ago. It has gotten dirty and stretched at the seams from over-wear. He sleeps in it; he eats in it and confidently wearing it, he accompanies me shopping, on errands, riding his bike and playing outside.
He even answers when I call out to, ‘Batman’.
My sweet little 3 year old boy is leaping from our lounges and flying around our house.
He is watching cartoon batman episodes, he wanting to watch more and wanting to watch often.

As I see my little man fly around my lounge room in a cape, making his own super-flying sound effects and rescuing his toys from certain peril, I think,
“little dude, you are awesome.”
Then as I see him watching enthralled in his hero Batman- when he is beating up some bad guy with fly-kicks and punches to the face, I think,
 “uh… ok this feels not so awesome.”

Is this appropriate for him to watch?
Should I shelter my children from any negative influence, especially at young ages?
Do I censor his interests? Do I stop him from playing the super hero? Can he still want to play superheroes without any outside-media-based-understanding of what they are?
Can I raise my kids without influences that I am uncomfortable with?
Am I right in being uncomfortable with this?

I find, in general, there is absolutely no safety in classification ratings.
There are few heroes (male or female) that come from mainstream-media to which I say, YES! That’s it! Here kids, this show reinforces our family’s bible-based values.
Just taking Disney heroes and heroines for example (as a widely understood media targeted at children and not for because they are particularly good/bad). Their main characters are a mix of defiant teenage mermaids, Lions preaching animism (tribal/earth religion), thieves who only steal ‘what they need’ and lie to gain affection and esteem, a little jungle boy who runs away. No matter the end result, these are the examples our children are absorbing.
The family movies aimed at ‘family’ viewing depict siblings who tease and belittle each other, speaking of each other with dislike, disobeying parents and calling each other names.

I am not asking, to where can we turn for positive influences on our children?
The answer to that is simple, turn to the Bible. Let our children dwell on Bible stories, pregnant with truth and the presence of God in each story. Here our heroes are flawed human as well, yes, but they are examples God has given us in His Word for a reason. They are deliberately part of His story of redemption and He is an ever present reality in their lives.
We can also turn to the many resources that are available to families for children entertainment, also great resources on inspiring missionaries, on the Church Fathers, on positive, believing role-models. We do in this time; have the ability to provide for our children alternative media for consumption.

My question is;
do I make a cleaning sweep of the majority of mainstream media and protect my children from its influence?
If not, what should I do with this uncomfortable feeling I have when my kids engage in worldly media?
What do I do with these worldly influences and
do I need to make a general rule about TV, Movies and Books?

There are three main ways of looking at the media which we invite into our homes.
 Is it only entertainment? What is the influence? What is being taught?

If we think that media is pure entertainment without any effect then we are choosing to be satisfied in the momentary gratification that TV/Movie watching can provide for the long-day of parenting. And it is satisfaction indeed – I am the first to put my hand up and say I cling with desperate appreciation to my kid’s TV hour each day.
It can be entertainment without understanding; I do understand that many aspects of TV entertainment go over the proverbial head of most children. That may 9 times out of 10 solve the momentary issue but does not change my aversion to seeing them soak it in.

TV as pure entertainment says that children are not going to turn to Witchcraft from watching/reading Harry Potter and they are not going to be morally bankrupt from watching the Barbie material. They will not grow to be violent from killing Zombies on the Wii nor by watching the Teenage Mutant Turtles. Their family values will not be corrupted from the example to given them by the Simpsons, nor will they think to place their value in outward adorning because they were influenced as such by the Bratz Fashion show and dolls.

I do not think that media is purely entertainment.
Any parent who has heard their Aussie kids playing out in the yard with a thick Californian accent or watched their parody of some recent Disney storyline will know that if it passes before a child’s eyes – it can have and probably has already had some impact – be it major or minor.
It is exactly because I think media is not purely entertainment (nor safe to watch regardless of content), that I censor which shows are appropriate for my children’s viewing. If I consider the impact of a show to be something I would not promote to my children, then there is no way I will condone it being promoted to my children via media.
I do not think that media is purely entertainment but neither do I think it is completely without value for my children’s enjoyment.

So what then?
If it is not purely entertainment and it isn’t pure evil either,
then how do we evaluate its influence on our children?

I was once encouraged to know, that I (along with my husband) am the leading expert on my children, and there is never cause to doubt it.
Such liberating encouragement.
So, that means that all the advice from other mothers, onlookers, psychologists and extended family can be used as a resource to better my parenting skills, but I do not ever need to (nor should I) release the responsibility of my motherhood to someone else just because their voice is louder or sounds more authoritative.
I will not try to tell you exactly which media to protect your children from. I know the shows that I have banned from my own children, the ones I’m iffy about, and the ones which I desperately hate (and kinda hope you do too).
But the only children whose eyes I will shield- are mine. For I know how they will be influenced and how best to shield them.
Just as you do with your children.

Here is an example from two daughters,
My eldest daughter is easily snared by beauty and the trappings of instant flattery. From her heart I will shield from her the things which will teach her that she should indeed find her value in outward appearance. I will steer her from media where the heroine uses her beauty as a weapon, or shows which depicts those less ‘pretty’ in negative light. I need to guide her from a path which judges her beauty and gives her cause to value others on the same merits.
I need to do this because the world will teach her a different concept.
But the Bible teaches truth.
My youngest daughter needs to be protected from hurtful words of disrespect. From her eyes which laugh so readily, I do not want to teach her that the world says laughter can readily come at the cost of others. I will shield her from the temptation of easily quoted words used to belittle others for self-gratification.
I need to teach her this because the world will not teach her this truth. The bible does.

Influence is also affected by saturation.
Firstly, obviously if your child is obsessively, daily, continuously watching shows that are promoting alternate religions, a world without God or a worldly doctrine of self without ever coming up for air then… Yes. The influence and impact of these shows will be great. Duh.

But your children have a mother who is herself walking in the light. A mother who loves the Word of the Lord and impresses it upon her children. A mother who covers her children in prayer and guides them to cover others too. A mother who ministers to her family by allowing the Holy Spirit to work in her, pour out from her and drench her home in Gospel truth. A mother who models humility, fragility and an honest human dependence on God.
Let your children be saturated in this.
Into this culture, allow the media of the world to provide entertainment.
Into this family, bring things that are questionable…
…. then use the opportunity to give an answer.

To my son, I asked why he loves Batman so much.
I asked him what makes Batman a hero.
I asked him about his perception of Batman, was he good? Was he justified in his actions?
What about the ‘bad guy’? Was the bad guy always bad? Is there nothing good about him? What makes him bad? Is Batman ever bad?
To my three year old son, I was able to have an age-limited but very valuable discussion on many topics. On sin, on bad guys always being bad guys… and whether God sees us this way.
I talked about good and evil.
I talked about standing up for what is right.
I told him (well… I preached… a little) that Jesus is the ultimate definition of a hero who provided the ultimate salvation. I talked about all the differences between Batman and Jesus.
I told him that I loved how he dressed up as Batman and wants to save people, I told him that God wants us to have hearts which care for others above ourselves.
I told him he is never allowed to fly-kick anyone.
And then with good conscience, I let him watch his Batman show on TV.
I do so ready to have the same conversation again and again and again.
In detail and episode-specific.
I do so ready to change my mind if I later I feel I’ve misjudged.

My belief is that media is not purely entertainment without impact.
 I do think there are shows which are dangerous for our children to consume and should not be allowed into our homes.
I think that the influence of the world will always be pressing in on our children, threatening to be a louder voice in the ears of our children. I do not think we should ever let it be this, (while they are under our authority). I think that a passion for godly example and a readiness to witness will trump legalism and rules most every time.
I think that the influence of media can be measured and curved by the diligence of our parenting.
I think that we can redeem entertainment to have good conversations with our kids and that we can teach them to be discerning consumers.

I think that you are their mum,
and with the help of the One who in His wisdom ordained your children to your care–
you will make good choices
and you will be given the chance to redeem your regretful ones.

I think you should extend that same grace to the mums you know.

Typhoid is horrid but God is good.

Under the Big Topp

Psalm 27: 13 & 14
I remain confident of this: 
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Imagine yourself sitting in a café, or at the local swimming pool or the grocery store. Imagine every public door knob you touch, every hand-rail, every table and chair. Imagine the groceries stacked by hand onto the shelf and the cash you used to pay for petrol. Now imagine if the social practice of everyone you can see, and anyone who touches the things you touch- was to use the palm of their hand… as toilet paper.
Each guest in your home.
Every waitress at the restaurant.
Every chef. Every teacher.
Each person on the street.
Every passenger on the bus.
Everyone.

Inevitably, if there is no barrier between a person and their…

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Follow the Yellow Brick Hyperlink

As you will have noticed, there have not been many posts on the MrsBigTopp site. Although I love discussing parenting and woul love to return here one day and continue many discussion on our stewardship of children….
my blogging focus has been elsewhere;

http://www.underthebigtopp.wordpress.com

This blog is a window to the experience of a mother and wife who has prepared for, and now left her home culture for missionwork.
Please join me there to talk through how God can be glorfied in even the most-average and fallible of women.

The Other Side: An open letter to the anti-smacking community

I smack my children as a form of discipline.

Generally though, I am not in the habit of publically promoting the use of smacking or spanking when dealing with children. I am voicing my thoughts now simply because I am tired of a one-sided view, an un-equal debate and the growing sense that parents who smack should not publically admit the fact.

I am tired of the slew of blogs, quotes and Facebook likes and shares of pictures, depicting a small child, with fear clear on her face, writhing from the clutches of a mother whose arm is raised in full-swing ready for a beat down. She has malice and violence in her countenance. With slogans like ‘abuse’ and ‘violence’ attached.

I smack my children.
I am not that mother.

I am tired of smacking being referred to as ‘beating’. I heard a friend refer to a mutual acquaintance recently as being a strict parent… someone who has rules and if the kids doesn’t obey then you belt em and belt em until they submit.

I smack my children. I smack them more than once in given situations.
I am not that parent.

I have heard the argument that “spare the rod & spoil the child” is the Biblical foundation for physical punishment as discipline, that this proverb is the only leg us ’child-beaters’ stand on.
I do not subscribe to this view. I do not smack because I view this verse as a biblical command to physical intervention in behaviour.
Firstly, the proverb should not be taken literally, since in obvious translation it would require physical discipline by the use of a ‘rod’ or stick. In this instance, the proverb is saying that sparing a child from consistent discipline (however it is administered) will lead to a child without boundaries or a ‘spoilt’ child.
The verse is advocating the use of discipline in parenting.
So why do I choose to use physical punishment?

The Bible is clear in my responsibility as a parent.  One of the responsibilities as a parent is guiding your child in character, which leads to behaviour. I need my children to understand the consequences of their behaviour, I would like them to grieve their sins and I try to place the weight of their decision upon their shoulders.
Sometimes this is achieved through conversation- shedding light on the ramifications of their actions. When my 6yr old consistently sharpened her pencils on the floor, I took her aside & explained how her inability to listen to me, to consider my request had hurt me. I told her that I felt hurt that she was leaving mess for me to clean up, disrespecting my role and hard work as homemaker. She understood, I could tell she was sorry, I could tell the lesson was learnt.

Sometimes it is time-out, the loss of a privilege or something is taken away. Sometimes it is a smack. When my 4 yr. old goes out of boundaries, I call her back and remind her. When it happens again, I will smack her. Why? Because I need her to listen and respect my rules and boundaries. I need to her to learn that it is not ok to disregard them because it will have consequences.
Can she understand that the consequence may be the neighbour’s dog? The cars on the side-road? The snakes in the long grass? No, although we have discussed it, it is beyond her momentary reasoning to understand. She knows not to go out of bounds because Mum will see & she will get a smack.

SMACKING IN EXCLUSION
Now, I am not blind. I know there are other forms of discipline. Very good ones.
I use lots of different forms depending on situation. I note the impact of discipline in my children and order our lives respectfully. With my 4yr old you have to be very careful about explaining the impact of her behaviour on others – she will hold onto such guilt it is heartbreaking. I need a form of punishment with her that does not burden her unjustly.

I resent the general implication that because I smack my children I am an un-thinking and un-creative parent. That I am mindlessly hitting my children when they do not fall into my imaginary line.

SMACKING IN ANGER
I can get angry at the behaviour displayed by my children at times… but anger does not have an active role in my parenting. I am committed to not yelling at my kids. I do not speak in haste, especially when hurt or angry. I am committed to an endeavour not to speak words which will scar little hearts entrusted to me. I will never speak to my children about a lack of moral character, degrade their importance or I pray, give them reason to think I am disappointed with their part in my family.
If I am careful with words, does it not also follow that I would be careful with my hands?
If my children required any discipline, they are told as much. If I need, they are sent to time-out whereby I can take time for self-control. I never smack (or discipline) without explanation. I never smack without restoration and I am confident that my children are not in fear of me, my temper or unsure of my reaction.

I do not smack in anger and I resent the general implication that smacking is for my benefit, my pleasure or as a result of my emotions.

SMACKING FOR BLIND OBEDIENCE
There are specific behaviours that, in my house, call for smacking. And yes, one is disobedience.
If there is wilful and defiant disobedience from my child, they are punished.
Obedience seems to be perceived as a negative quality in a child these days? That somehow obedience as a character trait is evident of a broken spirit, a crushed imagination, of forced inferiority or regime-style parenting.
I don’t get this, for one; Ephesians 6:1-4 and also….Christ calls us to trust and obey. I do not obey my Saviour and God out of blind fear. I do not obey as a mindless robot, from a broken and crushed spirit.

Obedience in my children is not blind.
I explain to them the reasons behind my rules, the need for my boundaries and the reasoning for my decisions as a parent. My 2yr old is entitled to ask me ‘why’ when I set a rule. I allow it. There are no rules for which there are no reasons. Some are simple, (don’t touch the stove, it will burn you) some are because I, as their parent, am uncomfortable with it (No we won’t listen to this song on the radio, I don’t think it is suitable for you to hear).

Do I also require obedience at my word – yes.
I need to know that if I call stop to any of my children, at any age. They will know to hear me, to listen and to obey with immediacy… because they respect my authority, my position and right to command their halt.
It may have just saved their straying onto a busy street, or getting lost in a shopping centre.
It may have just saved them from playing with scissors left out by a sibling.

I do not smack my children to instil fear into them, enabling blind obedience of my command. I resent the implication that I am a source of fear or terror in any of my children or that my desire to see obedience and respect from them is tyrannical lust for power and superiority.

SMACKING IS ABUSE
I smack my children. I do not use it as my main form of punishment, nor do I think it is a last resort.
I do smack to hurt them, why else bother?
I hurt them to teach them a lesson, to protect them from greater harm and to punish grievous and intolerable behaviour.
I do not smack for my own pleasure or a personal desire to inflict pain.
I do not smack to vent, out of frustration or thoughtlessness.
I do not smack because ‘I survived being smacked and a couple won’t harm em’ – because I have never thought of doing anything else or considered/researched forms of discipline.
I do not smack to ‘put them in their place’, to demean, demoralise or instil fear.
I do not think, in any situation, I have abused my children through discipline.

The case is argued, isn’t the right to physical safety something a child deserves? Yes.

They have the right to safe boundaries. They have the right to expect respectful and safe treatment from their siblings. They have the right to live in a household where they have no fear of physical abuse. My children do not fear me. At times, they mourn the need for punishment and I have seen them mourn physical and non-physical punishment with equality.
I provide these to my children through resourceful parenting, through techniques and strategies.
One of which is smacking.

So yes, in response to the trend of anti-smacking propaganda that is flooding the parenting circles, yes I smack my children.
But I resent the implication that I do not discipline my children with grace.
I resent the insinuation that I do not teach my children with compassion.
I resent the intimidation of words like, abuse, threats of lower IQs and warped personailities.

I resent the intonation that I have authority without love, method without thoughtfulness, boundaries without imagination, respect without relationship, obedience without trust and parenting without overwhelming love.

Such exaggerated and degrading portrayals of the parent who smacks… it hurts me.
Please consider that.

days on lay-by

days on lay-by.

to sit or to stand?

To sit or to stand… No really…. that is a genuine question.

Me? I am shrugging my shoulders.

Like literally, I am shrugging my shoulders and mumbling ‘mmm’i-dunno” in a flashback to the communication of my teens.
Because I don’t know what to do or think.

My (nearly) 5year old, Evie came home from her kindergarten class, and exclaimed “oh my God” at the traffic on the road. I did not crash the car.. but breathed in & asked her who taught her this phrase. She told me that ALL the kids say it at Kinder. And it’s not naughty, cos so do the teachers.

Initially, we dealt with it by a simple conversation about how not-to disrespect the creator of the universe and left it be. To keep an eye on.

But then hubby and I were talking about how she is still going to be desensitized to these sayings. How she is not offended and is learning in our society, not to be. She is in danger of taking – the taking of the LORD’s name – lightly.
But what should we do?

I’ve spoken to her teachers, and asked if they could be mindful of teaching her about things like ‘good luck’, ‘bad luck’ and ‘karma’. Things that have been adopted as normal by our Godless society.
How far do I take it?

I drafted a letter, using the situation of Evie’s new phrase, to tell the parents of her class – that we are bible-believing christians. That these phrases are serious and offensive to our faith and the world’s God, and I asked them sympathise and have a conversation with their kids encouraging them to refrain from offensive terms.
Hubby looked over it and said he thought it was a good letter – well written (why… shucks.. thanks) but he had some genuine questions. I list them in his words as best I can; 

Is this something we should make a deal out of?
Should we take the stand – that perhaps causes offense to some parents? 
Should we be making this issue not a behaviour issue – but a faith issue?
Are WE coming across as religious fruitcakes – rather than letting it be the gospel which is confronting?
And if we are willing to say yes to the above questions.. is this the hill we want to die on? (I had never personally heard this phrase and got sidetracked over it for a minute or two) It means, is this even the issue worth making it all this fuss over?

This is my hubby. He is wise and smart and biblical & he is questioning me.
So now I don’t know….

Am I that fruitcake mum? Who HAS to have a conversation about Jesus with her daughter whenever she is exposed to a different worldview? I have been teased for being so in the past.
I see every conversation as a chance to get theological… am I going into overkill? Is there overkill?
I started this thought process, thinking that I do not want my children to see these phrases as ‘lesser’ swear words. I don’t want them so influenced by society that the name of the God does not register when taken in vain.
I was thinking that this is the name of my God that is taken so lightly.
That this is something I could do, to say to the parents of Evie’s kinder…
“here is a family that follows Jesus”
“We are salt and light  – to flavour you and shine on you – not the other way round.”

I wanted to make a stand, for all the times I never make a sound…

And the name of the Lord God seemed a really good place to stand on?

Now I don’t know.
Do you?

No really, I’m asking.

Spiderman Undies & the Wrath of God

I live in very close proximity to my neighbours.
Like close… we share a backyard and if one of my kids opens the bathroom door while i am on the toilet. I can see right through their laundry window and into their lounge room.
Good morning Neighbourino’s.
I need to drink more water.

My neighbours have children the same age as mine. They play outside often. Often the girls congregate at my steps to play, chat and generally make their presence known. I pick up snippets of conversation as I carry on about my day. (not sitting on the lounge eating ice cream and watching oprah…whaat?)
You know, I bustle about with my general cleaning, mopping, ironing, baking and other domestic bliss things.

Once i heard them talking and my 4yr old pips up and says excitedly,
My dad LOVES spiderman! he has spiderman knickers Mumma got him!
Too much info, I make a mental note to laugh later at the mention of my hub wearing ‘knickers’. I am about to go have a word with them about appropriate conversation topics when I am cut short by Tash, our neighbour’s daughter,
MY DAD likes to tuck his shirt into his knickers.

Meh. Now we are even.

There was a time though, when the conversations between our daughters is tougher to deal with.
My child sent her friend home in tears once, having told her that her behaviour would make God angry. My neighbour comforts her daughter. She ensured her that God never gets angry. He never gets sad and we do not ever need to be scared of displeasing Him.

Something in my guts drop.
I disagree.

Every hour the girls spend together is locked in a battle.
My mum says God does get angry…
… my mum said He doesn’t
…yes He does!
No He doesn’t!…

I bring my debater inside, hoping the theological debates will fade into forgotten so they can play together again soon. Without battle.
I told her that she should not have told her friend that she was making God mad – rather encouraged her to do what was right. We talked about the importance and potency of our words.
It was a great chat – but she couldn’t let me go without wanting it in black and white.
does God get angry?
So I tell her that yes, our actions grieve our Great and Merciful God greatly. That his wrath is justified and that is the point of Grace.
I tell her that fearing God isn’t about being scared – but knowing that it is holiness and perfection that we are faced with. And knowing that that is a big deal.
so…. we are right and they are wrong?

that is what it is boiling down to?
What do I say to that?
My hub comes home to this mess that is tolerance, community living, unity in the body of christ… and the doctrine of grace explained to a 4yr old.
I heap my failing mess at his feet, o wise husband. Make everything ok. Glorify God our Father with what we teach our children… but don’t make the neighbours hate me!
What?! what do we tell her?
My Hub’s answer was profound and true.

“what does the Bible say?
If it is true and Biblical… we teach it to our children.
We impress it upon them
and live it by example.”

Oh.
That seems obvious enough. So why in the midst of it all… was I creating theology based in my life experience? Based on fitting in with my neighbours? Based on ‘what feels right’, ‘sounds right’ or ‘fits right’. Why was I explaining away the wrath of God, so I didn’t upset the neighbours. So we could let everyone win.

Why did I fling myself at the mercy of my husband’s human guidance, in total desperation and anxiety… when there was a shelf of the living, breathing… Word Of God… sitting there all the time?